


Summerweenie Romance More Like I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass

by ang3lba3



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Friend Fiction, Furry mention, Gen, Meteor Kids, Typical Karkat Insults and Dave Nonsense, pre-retcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 23:39:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11172504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ang3lba3/pseuds/ang3lba3
Summary: DAVE: yo so karkock got a story for u thats gonna blow ur goddamn thoughtpotDAVE: its a thousand times better than summerweenie romanceDAVE: so listen up youre about to be pwned as hellIn which: Dave doesn't understand the true meaning of 'transformative works', Karkat tries to win a bet, and everyone c3< Kanaya c3< everyone.





	Summerweenie Romance More Like I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass

DAVE: yo so karkock got a story for u thats gonna blow ur goddamn thoughtpot

DAVE: its a thousand times better than summerweenie romance

DAVE: so listen up youre about to be pwned as hell

KARKAT: I’M LISTENING, WILL YOU GET TO THE FUCKING POINT BEFORE I LOSE MY PATIENCE?

DAVE: and lose that sweet bet with terezi nah bro ur good u can do this im gonna motherfuckin support u thru it bro we’re gonna do it together, bro

KARKAT: OH GOD I’M GOING TO LOSE

TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H4

ROSE: You’ve built this up to be quite the story. Do share, brother dear.

DAVE: yo thats what im talking about

DAVE: so yall might not remember this, but once upon a time, there was a sickass love child of a bronzed vacuum cleaner and an umbrella…

unlike ur friend the lil cat with more eyes and titles than common sense, you’ve got no name. you’ve never needed one. you’ve all up and been chilling for years in the wild, no name, no master, just the feeling of grass in ur feedbag and sun on your bronzed exterior.

RUDE INTERRUPTER: DAVE WASTESUCKERS DONT HAVE FEEDBAGS

MASTERFUL STORYTELLER: its alive its gotta eat somehow did i question the logic of your story? no i did not thank u im right and ur wrong

INCREASINGLY RUDE INTERRUPTER: THATS NOT EVEN FUCKING TRUE

PATIENT AND WISE HOWLER MONKEY: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 YOU R34LLY 4R3 GO1NG TO LOSE TH3 B3T TH1S 34S1LY

DECREASINGLY RUDE INTERRUPTER: …………FINE DO IT YOUR SHITTY WAY

anyways youve just sucked up bunny foofoo into ur insatiable greedsack because youre suddenly omnivorious and craving mythical flesh. thats when mutie of many names approaches

 _I have a proposition for you,_ mutie says, hopping delicately onto your greedsack. if they had two less eyes they’d be a cyclops and chow. instead theyre just a weird freak of science. you like to think you get along pretty well. _There’s a labyrinth and inside it is said there is one who will satisfy your thirst and hunger so that you never need obtain sustenance again._

you make an interested revving-rattling sound, by sucking a stone into your devouring hole. it clangs its way into your greedsack.

 _I thought you would be intrigued. I have taken the liberty of assembling a party of, as it were, adventurers. I suspect it will be quite the dangerous endeavor._ mutie licks a paw and then waves it in the air like theyre a boy scout in a movie tryin to tell which way the wind is blowing. the wind blows from the south and from the east a pony and a salamander appear.

you spit the stone out of your greedsack disdainfully

 _They may not look like much,_ mutie says. _They may not even be much. But Maplehoof is strong and sturdy, and Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer is the most powerful unbearded wizard in this land._

OH NO THE POPO: Dave, normally I wouldn’t interrupt but that is very clearly plagiarized from my own writing.

TOTALLY ORIGINAL AUTHOR: its a transformative work and the only profit im makin off this is the mad vicious satisfaction of seeing karkittys face wobble like jello as he suppresses tears over how much im showin his fine ass up

OH NO THE UNFORTUNATELY OBSERVANT POPO: ‘Fine’ ass, you say?

TOTALLY FUCKED AUTHOR: anYWAYS, LALONDE

eventually you agree, and vroom across the grass, sucking up hapless bugs in the trail of entropy you leave-

ANNOYING BROAD: Plagiarism.

TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY UNQUESTIONABLY ORIGINAL AUTHOR: rose shut up

so u succ lil bugs up, and Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer is like eff yeah and resurrects the corpses you spit out when you get all the lil bug meat out and by the time you reach the labyrinth maplehoof is covered in zombie flies and if he wasn’t a really dumb pony then he’d absolutely be done w/ this shit. instead he follows where mutie many names goes, making pissed off horse noises every once in a while like… like…

WHAT THE HELL ROSE: pbbbbbbfffffffffbbrrrrrppppbbbb

DAVE: what the hell rose

OH THAT MAKES SENSE: That is a pissed off horse noise.

DAVE: oh that makes sense

ANNOYING INTERRUPTER: OH MY GOD JUST TELL YOUR DUMBASS STORY. STOP INTERRUPTING HIM.

DAVE: shhhhhhhhh. daddy’s gonna take good care of your bedtime story lil bud dont worry

INTERRUPTER: WHAT THE FUCK IS A DADDY

and they get to the labyrinth and at the gate theres these two big ass knight statues and when they try and pass by them it turns out theyre not statues because this is a goddamn labyrinth. **GET ON YOUR KNEES AND LICK MY BULGE,** one says, really angrily, and like a dumbass, because no one could reach his crotch on their knees. the horde of zombie insects go and attack his bulge and he falls screaming to the ground.

 _oh that was fuckin tight,_ says the other knight, who overall seems like a really cool dude. just. so cool. his sunglasses reflect the mosquitos absolutely destroying his colleagues wiener. _you can pass guys, wanna take a pic w/ us for my bubblr_

everyone obviously wants to ask what bubblr is and pics but just agree and are weirdly unsurprised when it turns out to make miniature thems inserted into a floating bubble in a giant bubble dream world.

RUDE INTERRUPTER TRYING TO MUMBLE TO HIMSELF SO YOU GUESS ITS OK: HE’S NOT EVEN USING SECOND PERSON ANYMORE

yall are in the labyrinth. it was a harrowing journey full of many adventures, none of which I told you because honestly they were kind of boring and derivative

ROSE: Dave, you are literally just paraphrasing my story poorly, you cannot be more derivative.

DAVE: transformative works

you get inside and ur like instantly pissed because its got a gravel floor, probably to stop roving vacuum umbrellas like yourself from taking advantage of the creature inside. doesnt matter. you keep moving, spitting out gravel as fast as it goes in, like some kind of rock vomit scat porno. occasionally it hits one of your costars i mean fellow adventurers and they get mad. Von Salamancer suggests yall do some kinda thing where yall keep one hand on the same side of the maze

KARKAT: TEREZI WHAT THE FUCK *GAG* WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU *GAG* BUBBLES WHY

TEREZI: 1M R34D1NG FOR TH3 S4L4M4NC3R HOLD ST1LL TH3YR3 ST1LL T4LK1NG

KARKAT: TEREZI!!!!!! PBBBBBBFFFFF

ROSE: Now there is a good angry horse noise.

and is super embarrassed when mutie points out its a labyrinth and so only has one path and that Von Salamancer is the only one with hands.

when you finally do get to the center its kinda anticlimactic like where the fuck is the big bull furry where is his massive swinging bull dick that was definitely described with excruciatingly loving care in the inspiring material for this story, where is his giant ballsack with throbbing testicular veins—

INSPIRATION: We get it, unless there’s some reason you’d like to continue speaking copiously on the subject of male genitalia?

INSPIRATION’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER: Rose What Is A Bull Furry?

REALLY COOL DUDE LIKE JUST SO COOL: oh man have fun with that one ectosis

—the big bull furry was, however, not present. instead there was this tentacled cat ghost girl wearing an obviously fake beard, sitting in a straight backed chair next to a couch. she was holding a notepad, like the kind lawyers do right, except this was purple because she had a goddamn aesthetic to adhere to because she was glue and i am rubber.

pop a motherfrickin squat, she said—

DAVE: rose GIVE THAT BACK

ROSE: No. I refuse to let you mangle the lines like this. I will play myself. You can come sit next to me and continue to narrate.

DAVE: no ones playing anyone this is a one man circus

ROSE: While normally I would inspect the fact that you chose to call yourself a circus rather than a show, Terezi is blowing bubbles whenever Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer speaks, so I think it’s fair for me to at least play my own parody.

DAVE: fuckin fine death of the author or whatever the fuck lets just finish this shit okay i got places to be

TEREZI: L1K3 WH3R3

DAVE: um

KARKAT: HA YOU DON’T HAVE SHIT TO GO TO THIS WAS YOUR WHOLE PLAN FOR THE DAY, WASN’T IT? PATHETIC.

DAVE: oh yeah well who stayed listening after i made bugs bite their dick off hmm

KARKAT: WAIT, THAT WAS ME??

DAVE: remember the bet kitkat

KARKAT: FUCK THE BET! FUCK YOU! I HOPE YOU GET REAMED BY THE BULL FURRY AND HIS GIANT BULGE IN A DREAM BUBBLE. IT DOES NOT NEED TO BE CONSENSUAL, BUT YOU’D PROBABLY BEG LIKE A LITTLE BITCH FOR HIM!

TEREZI: G33Z, K4RK4T.

ROSE: Seconded.

KANAYA: Um Maybe We Should All Have Some Tea And Calm Down I Know It Helps Me When—

KARKAT: ARRRRGHHHHH YOU CAN’T EVEN LET ME INSULT STRIDER IN PEACE! I’M OUT! THE MAYOR WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO ME!

DAVE: shit man you going to see the mayor ill come too i havent seen the lil dude today

KARKAT: YOU ALL RUIN EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH WITH YOUR DISEASED SLURRY COVERED HANDS.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> so.. i was rereading hs and just thought of a story based around the adventures of mutie, the bronzed vacuum umbrella, maplehoof, and casey? anyways i couldnt actually finish the story because i lost interest. but rest peacefully knowing that BVU got what they needed, maplehoof discovered they had a brain all along (poines do not have very good anatomy education, and they were pleasantly surprised by this), Mutie stayed a cat and self satisfied, a ball of magical wizard yarn was used to distract Jasprose (rose's parody), and viceroy bubbles von salamander got the gift of gab bestowed upon them (at which point terezi was supposed to yell in karkats ear after being suspiciously silent for a while)


End file.
